It’s been about two years. Even more.
My fingers had stopped talking. Never remembering how it felt like to write words that somehow matter to anyone.
Now, I am back. Not the same age but basically the same person. Still vulnerable but trying to stay alive. A lot of things happened in two years. I quit three jobs, juggled and struggled into keeping myself alive while unemployed. I have gone through a lot – possible retrenchment, change in management, AWOL, and this.
I cannot believe that I am returning to this blog just to vent out emotions. LOL. This is the least I wanted to do right now. But somehow I needed a medium to release the frustrations, wake up feeling alive tomorrow and come back kicking.
Sooo, yeah. Two months ago, I just went AWOL to an unknown company and started my journey into this world that I have always dreamed of. I finally got a shot to work for the company I have been dreaming of working for the past 5 years. I told myself “This is your chance! Don’t lose it!” and yes, I welcomed my first day hopeful and excited. This is it!
And then reality struck.
I’m close to my second month in this awesome job, in this awesome company that anyone would die to become part of, in this place that I never thought I can be in – but I am second guessing.
Maybe I didn’t think that there would be too much to give when you’re finally in. Maybe all my fresh grad self saw then was the prestige to be a part of something grand. Never thinking that it has it’s pitfalls.
So this happened: I never felt more useless in my life. (Well, second time I guess?)
I’m this person known to be committed to everything that I do. Yes, I am usually the procrastinator but I make sure that I deliver everything as expected of me. I am very passionate about everything that I do and I never take for granted people I work with, most especially if they play a vital role. But these past few days, it has been about people making me feel that I am worthless. That I haven’t contributed much. That I have been missing in action more than I should. That I have not been effective.
This is a direct blow to my sanity. WHY? I ask myself. Why should I hear this? Is this part of growing? Am I supposed to hear this so I can come back stronger and braver the next time I hear this? Is this the part where I cry my eyes out? Maybe. But I’m not yet ready to do it. I am holding back the tears. For how long, I don’t know yet.
I repeat, I can’t believe I am doing this. Just let me for a few more minutes.
Comparison is a bitch, eh? When people starts comparing you to other people, it’s hard to accept. I know that this can’t be helped but coming from someone who should’ve known better, I’m pretty disappointed. Bottomline? I feel worthless. Again, this is not a drill. I feel worthless – much more than I should feel.
I’m not so sure how to end this. The words are escaping me. I guess because there’s no use blabbering about my frustrations. There is no use trying to right a potential wrong by ranting about it on my blog. HAHAHA. But then again, I should be feeling better after this. That’s what they say, right? Talk about it and it will be gone soon. That’s what I’m doing.
Now – I am going to stop here and ponder on my life once again. LOL