The Return | On reaching that dream

It’s been about two years. Even more.

My fingers had stopped talking. Never remembering how it felt like to write words that somehow matter to anyone.

Now, I am back. Not the same age but basically the same person. Still vulnerable but trying to stay alive. A lot of things happened in two years. I quit three jobs, juggled and struggled into keeping myself alive while unemployed. I have gone through a lot – possible retrenchment, change in management, AWOL, and this.

I cannot believe that I am returning to this blog just to vent out emotions. LOL. This is the least I wanted to do right now. But somehow I needed a medium to release the frustrations, wake up feeling alive tomorrow and come back kicking.

Sooo, yeah. Two months ago, I just went AWOL to an unknown company and started my journey into this world that I have always dreamed of. I finally got a shot to work for the company I have been dreaming of working for the past 5 years. I told myself “This is your chance! Don’t lose it!” and yes, I welcomed my first day hopeful and excited. This is it!

And then reality struck.

I’m close to my second month in this awesome job, in this awesome company that anyone would die to become part of, in this place that I never thought I can be in – but I am second guessing.

Maybe I didn’t think that there would be too much to give when you’re finally in. Maybe all my fresh grad self saw then was the prestige to be a part of something grand. Never thinking that it has it’s pitfalls.

So this happened: I never felt more useless in my life. (Well, second time I guess?)

I’m this person known to be committed to everything that I do. Yes, I am usually the procrastinator but I make sure that I deliver everything as expected of me. I am very passionate about everything that I do and I never take for granted people I work with, most especially if they play a vital role. But these past few days, it has been about people making me feel that I am worthless. That I haven’t contributed much. That I have been missing in action more than I should. That I have not been effective.

This is a direct blow to my sanity. WHY? I ask myself. Why should I hear this? Is this part of growing? Am I supposed to hear this so I can come back stronger and braver the next time I hear this? Is this the part where I cry my eyes out? Maybe. But I’m not yet ready to do it. I am holding back the tears. For how long, I don’t know yet.

I repeat, I can’t believe I am doing this. Just let me for a few more minutes.

Comparison is a bitch, eh? When people starts comparing you to other people, it’s hard to accept. I know that this can’t be helped but coming from someone who should’ve known better, I’m pretty disappointed. Bottomline? I feel worthless. Again, this is not a drill. I feel worthless – much more than I should feel.

I’m not so sure how to end this. The words are escaping me. I guess because there’s no use blabbering about my frustrations. There is no use trying to right a potential wrong by ranting about it on my blog. HAHAHA. But then again, I should be feeling better after this. That’s what they say, right? Talk about it and it will be gone soon. That’s what I’m doing.

Now – I am going to stop here and ponder on my life once again. LOL

C

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The Tale of Never Say Die: Ginebra’s Last Show for PBA 2014

Guys, wag muna tayo susuko. Gawin natin ‘to para sakanila (sa fans)” – Coach Ato Agustin

I can’t believe I’m facing the same brand of heartache again after what happened to the UST-LaSalle finals game a few months back. I keep telling myself before the 4th quarter of the Ginebra and San Mig game 7 started that I will never write a blog for the series. I won’t, simply because I don’t believe Ginebra will just bow down in the conference after fighting for their position for 6 games in the series. No, I refused to believe that my team would lose hope because I know in my heart that I didn’t.

It breaks my heart to see people leaving the Big Dome. I understand how hard it is to finish a game like this. I have been there. I watch a few games live and I know how it feels to leave the venue on the losing end but at this instance, do we really have to show our players that we quit before they do? Where’s the Never Say Die attitude? Where’s the heart?

It’s hard for me to write when my heart is bleeding like this. This line keeps running in my mind since Game 6: “I did my waiting. Six years of waiting for another crown for my Kings.” I know that this young team will prove that we have what it takes to win a championship. Pinagkaitan tayo, ito na ang panahon natin but I guess it’s still the wrong time.

Back in 2005, I was switching channels on the television to find a good show to watch. It was then that I first watched Ginebra against the then-Purefoods Chunkee Giants. Going head to head. Providing a great show for the fans. I first recognized James Yap. I knew him back in his UAAP days. I knew no one. I was a budding basketball fan back then. Enter Jayjay Helterbrand with partner Mark Caguioa. Run and gun. Hussle. Fastbreaks. It was a perfect tandem. The fast and the furious. I instantly fell in love with Helterbrand’s game. I instantly fell in love with Ginebra.

That was the year I got infected with the Never Say Die attitude. I will never forget how happy I was when Ginebra got the championship in the 2006-2007 Philippine Cup Tournament. They also went for a back to back championship for the Fiesta Conference the following year. Oh, the glory days!

Fast forward to present, Ginebra dominated the standings with impressive records but once again fell short. It always seems to be the reason why the loyal Kabaranggays get their hearts broken; Ginebra falling short. If not the end game collapse, it’s letting the other team maintain a huge lead from the start then try to even things out. It’s a familiar situation. Sabi nga ng PBA commentators, dun nanggaling ang Never Say Die. Sa kahit anong laki ng lamang, babalik at babalik ang Ginebra. Lalaban at lalaban para sa fans.

I’m sure a lot of people are saying that there has to be someone to blame. But there’s none. Everybody played their part. Sure, Greg Slaughter didn’t shoot as much as he did for the past games. Sure, Japeth seemed to be afraid to go inside the paint most of the time. Sure, LA didn’t seem to make his presence felt with tons of assists. Sure, Mac hasn’t taken much three-pointers as he did before. Sure, Jayjay was on and off. Sure, Chris wasn’t his usual Airforce self. Sure, we knew that Mark needs someone to help him out. But they never gave the game up. And I know I shouldn’t forget to credit Billy Mamaril for a job well done in contributing points in the most crucial parts of the game. He did what Japeth and Greg should be doing. He showed how a Ginebra game should be played.

Even with the huge San Mig Coffee lead. The Kings continued to shoot the ball. Yes, they may have failed in challenging Simon’s and Yap’s shots, but they challenged nonetheless. They did so lamely, maybe, but at least they did.

Photo: PBArecap.com

These young players that play alongside veterans. They have yet to learn. Maybe as fans, we have to learn the hard way again. We have to fall as these young guys have fallen. We have to bleed with them. We have to scrape our knees for them. We are with them. We have shaped a generation of Ginebra players since 1979. They are the new heroes. They have to fall to know how to get up. They have to experience defeat to know how it feels to be winners.

The Never Say Die attitude will never falter. It doesn’t matter how many more years we have to wait for another championship. After 6 years of waiting since the 2008 crown, the loyal Kabaranggays will never get tired of watching games. We will never get tired of going through ups and downs again. Hinding hindi kami mapapagod sa pagsagot sa mga nangaalaska sa Ginebra, sa mga hindi naniniwala. Hinding hindi kami mapapagod sa pag-welcome ng mga bagong fans at mga nagbabalik-loob lang sa Barangay kapag nananalo. Hinding hindi kami magsasawa manood ng game, manalo man o matalo. Hindi kami magsasawang bumili ng ticket at maglivestreaming.

We will Never ever Say Die. Hindi sa conference na ‘to natatapos ang laban. In the conferences to come, our young guys will mature. They will finally be in sync with Ginebra’s brand of play, they will be lethal weapons, they will be threats. We may have lost the game but we continue to win the battle to supremacy. No matter what happens, we will still be the Kings, aren’t we?

Tagay lang para sa susunod na conference! Tagay para sa mga hindi mabilang na taon ng pagsasamahan para sa mga Hari!

BGSM: My shade of red and white

I was thinking of writing a blog about the Manila Clasico Game 5 last Saturday but I figured I was too bothered by Ginebra’s end game to be even logical about everything. I am sure I can’t trust my mind. I’m sure I can’t help but be emotional again. It’s just Game 5 but damn, every game counts. 

While every Barangay Ginebra fan is busy blaming LA Tenorio for the end game collapse or uplifting his spirits and telling him through an open letter that all’s not wasted, I am just sitting there at home trying to contemplate. I swore to myself that I am not writing any blog related to the Manila Clasico series soon. I will wait until Game 7. I will wait for the greatest test of emotion. After game 7, I will write my heart out. 

Image

Photo by PBA-Online.net

We will win. We will face Rain or Shine. As always, we will never say die.

Frustration, Frustration überall

I have possibly mentioned a few blogs ago that when I get mad or frustrated, I use the German language. This post is pure frustration but apparently, there are no exact German translation for frustration than frustration itself, so I guess I’ll just stick with that.

There are a few things I just need to point out. Oh, no, maybe a lot of repeated points, repeated things… *cue overly broken and tattered CD here*

For the past week or so, we have this friend going through a “tough” break up. She has been in a relationship for almost 9 months. Her partner broke up with her for family reasons – the mom doesn’t approve of their relationship. Everyone of her friends totally understand why they have to go separate ways, except her.

Since day 1, we heard all her rants, been there through the toughest few days, said all possible consoling words to alleviate the hurt, go the extra mile to spend some time with her despite the busy schedules.. it’s been the nth day and we have failed to knock some sense into her. Continue reading

Pushing the Pen

Came across a post on Tumblr today.

aquarius

 

Then I remembered how true this is. A year (or so) ago, I wrote my first blog entry. It amazes me how I managed to write the words, “I’m changing the world, watch me.” like it was something a person can do ordinarily. I guess that’s just how I am wired. Apart from this, I remembered writing numerous times how “I am pushing the pen, I’m moving the world“.

Well, sounds too confident but what the hell. What if I can make my mark to the world? You can watch at the front seat 😉

Pointing thy fingers on all sides

This will be my first political post. This isn’t one of the best things to write for the sole reason that this is dirty writing but I don’t think I can keep quiet anymore. After seeing and hearing almost everything there is to see and hear, I think this is the right to time to say something myself.

Over the course of one week, netizens have gone against each other – fighting over who has the right to hate the government, urging people to just do something for the victims and stop blabbering non-sense, and possibly throwing digital rocks at each other. It has spread like wildfire; sparking one small argument over the other and turning every Filipino against each other. This is not the time to blame whoever we want to blame, yes. This is the time to just help each other and send hope to our brothers in Tacloban, Aklan, Bohol, and all the other places ravaged by the storm, yes. But what is this?

No aid  Aquino points to local execs   Inquirer News Continue reading

Runways and Airplanes

Planes in the air
Roaring engines
Tilting wings
Soaring high

The dark clouds loom
Signaling nothing but rain
We watched
As you r figure slowly loses our sights
Air blowing our hair.

Runways
Airplanes
Farewell
Goodbye
Not the sweetest of thoughts,
But happy memories linger

Runway’s near
Airplane’s engine calls
This is no end
This is a beginning

Our hearts will always be your home.

The Three Musketeers

The three musketeers are fun. They always want to make each other happy. They make people around them happy just by being around.

Needless to say, they’re my favorite people in the world.

They changed the way I saw the world. Their lasting friendship proved that there’s nothing impossible as long as you’re willing to do something for a friend. Distance can’t even stop these three people from continuing a friendship worth-keeping. They defied the odds even after years apart. They just picked up where they left off. Continue reading

Into the fiery soul of this hellish Seele

Scheiße. One word and the only word I can utter silently as the fire surged in my being.

Honestly, I don’t have an idea why whenever I get pissed or mad or outraged, I blurt out German stuff. Maybe because I think it’s the strongest language on my dictionary. Or maybe some Spanish? But nah, German does bring out all the fury (somehow… or not really)

lego

It was those days when your patience are put to the test. Where you have to speak as reasonably as you could, trying not to ignite anything unnecessary… but there’s always a turning point. This point is when you start getting pissed right on when you know someone is being an Arschloch (READ: just look it up, I don’t think it would be nice to drop the word here) questioning the things you THINK you do alright.

Oh no, you just don’t go all-knowing with me” is the whole point. It’s not even constructive criticism; for that matter, it’s literally neither. The teeth-gritting negative thrill is not helping me right now but there’s no other way to be calm. So, go teeth-gritting for me! Continue reading

Nightmare

The sharp edges of her nails are pointing at my neck
I didn’t fight.
I didn’t try.

When was the last time you tried to resist sleep because she was there smiling mischievously.
Every frame taunting to haunt you.
When was the last time you felt as cluttered as today?

Her blank eyes stares as you open your eyes.
You don’t see her, but she sees you.
You try and try to shut her out for the night, but she doesn’t.

You feed your fear.
She knows.
How can you hide?
How can we all hide?

Darkness. It’s everywhere.